Life Learned in Africa

Entry via Letter

To thoroughly enjoy the African lifestyle, I have observed many “rules” that make life a bit easier, and now for your information have recorded them here. Enjoy:

Rule #1
When washing your hands after using the toilet, check the water you use before applying to hands. If there are visible worms making little homes in the bucket, the purpose of using this water for washing may be defeated. Dump bucket and start again with new pump water and less visible worms.

Rule # 2
Don’t waste decent day light hours trying to sift each bug out of the flour before you use it. Odds are the bugs won’t harm you – they even add a bit of protein to your bread, just dump it in and bake away. If we spend too much time nit-picking at the little things that cannot harm us, eventually we will find that well hidden giant coach roach, and then lose our appetites once and for all. Moral – don’t sweat the small stuff, or in this case bugs. On the other hand, if you start picking out the bugs to eat and throwing out the flour, you may have been in Africa too long…..

Rule # 3
When killing giant man-eating bugs, make sure to scrape corpse from floor and deposit outside of living area immediately. Large smashed bugs that remain on floor will in time be consumed by huge masses of smaller carnivorous bugs and then the problem of disposal of one turns into the eradication of an army. If you wish to make an example of the one large smashed bug so as to deter family members of the species from taking up residence in your home, do so on the front porch. This not only sets an example for the bugs, but also for villagers that don’t know you well enough huge bug corpses on the front porch will permanently deter those who don’t know you well from asking for money…or bug repellant.

Rule # 4
Always check for bugs before tucking the mosquito net into the mattress. After entering the bed and tucking down the net, frisking the blanket for bugs is a poor choice-should you find a bug it will no doubt go into a state of panic and frantically scurry away on which ever surface it deems possible for escape – this includes your equally panicked swing palms and lower limbs. This netted up bed of emotion will no doubt end in the insects flight to your hair, where despite shrieks and gyrations which flail your hair to and fro, you ultimately lose the culprit and spend the rest of your night worrying about bug eggs being strategically laid in your ear. To avoid these ear nests, best to pat the matt before you tuck the net.

Rule # 5
It is never a good idea to dare an African high school student to do something, and best also to keep sarcasm at bay. My form 3 students and I argued over the status of a chameleon, whether it was a mammal or a reptile. I argued that because it had no hair it must be a mammal, to which they unanimously disagreed and stated that chameleons had hair and that I was a silly white teacher who didn’t know. Exasperated, I ended the (by now very loud) argument by stating that if they could bring me a chameleon I could prove that it had no hair. One hour after I returned home from school a stampede of running feet and shouting echoed up the pathway to my door, where upon 15 students, a 10 foot tree branch, and a very confused chameleon sat waiting for my inspection. I ultimately did prove that I was right by telling the students there was no hair because they all believed me, rather than come closer to examine the reptile (they made it perfectly clear that I would be the only one dumb enough to approach that end of the 10 foot pole) they simply took my word for it. After several pictures and my blessing, the students dispersed, and the poor chameleon clung for dear life to the 10 foot branch, as it was returned to the forest by way of straining to touch each screaming, sprinting female student with in the small radius of my front porch.

Next time I’m going to argue that a crocodile has hair.